One Of A Kind

It’s been almost a week since my Warped Tour adventure came to an end and believe me the depression is quickly setting in. The reality has sunk in that I’m no longer a child though my Peter Pan syndrome allowed me to remain so for so long. I start my new full time position on August 4th. I want the money and I’m excited for the possibilities, however, when you’re going to be the first one of your friends to turn 30 in just a few short years, you start to become pretty depressed.

Warped Tour was so much fun. It was awesome seeing so many friends everyday and hanging out with Missie. The bands were great, at least the ones I watched… Alkaline Trio, Andrew WK, The All American Rejects, Sum 41, The Bouncing Souls, Reel Big Fish, Bring Me The Horizon, Breathe Electric. I couldn’t really bring myself to watch many other bands. If you’ve seen Mayday Parade once then you’ve seen more then half the bands on the tour. You’re not missing anything. Warped Tour is a hell of an experiecne especially if you plan on doing more then one day. You’re in a different state every night, you’re sleeping in hotels, washing up at truck stops, four hours of sleep a night is the maxium you get, but you never have any regrets. Hugs every morning, coffee brought to the venue for me, lots of laughs with good friends, it was a week to remember that’s for sure. The inevitable saying goodbye sucked, the new crush was quite unexpected and not really quite welcome to be completely honest. Now my tension runs kind of high. What happens at Warped Tour stays at Warped Tour, if you were one of the lucky few to hear the stories then congratulations, if you were one of the unlucky few to be on the recieving end of my exhausted rant then I apologize. I miss my friends. I miss the laughs. I am sad to be home, but life will go on and I will go down.

My mind has been getting the better of me lately. I’m tired of being the girl with the cute friends, the girl every guy comes to when they want their band promoted, their shows booked, their egos stroked, I’m tired of being the one everyone asks for favors and no one returns them. Ever. I’m tired of it all. Lately I’ve let my mind get the better of me. I’ve spent hours crying, even more hours trying to sleep it off. I’ve more or less given up food except for a hand full of chips here or a bowl of cereal there, mostly I just try to sleep as often and as much as I can. Some would say it’s part of the Warped Tour recovery process, but those who know me that this lack of food, constant sleep isn’t just about missing Warped Tour. It’s about my bitterness, my life is a series of meaningless one night stands in a haze of rejection with alcohol fueled addictions to everything that’s wrong for me. I almost did something I wasn’t proud of the other day, something I spent the last year or so battling internally, and it almost destroyed me, it’s not something I will ever really share with the world, but had that battle been won quite a few lives would have been destroyed by my own selfish lonliness. In the end me with the bad girl ideas, the don’t care attitude backed down for the greater good of the situation. The fact that something like that was even a thought in my head says a lot about me but the fact that I walked away from it says even more. My internal struggles will probably only get worse as time goes on, but maybe I’ll stop making so many wrong decisions.

Remember this is my blog. I get to say what I feel. I get to omit names to protect guilty parties. I get to whine about my own selfish lonliness. I get to loathe myself. I get to bask in my own bragging. I get to brag because this is my blog. You reserve the right to judge. You reserve the right to talk shit. You reserve the right to hypocritcally criticize me. Don’t keep it to yourself. You want to shout at me how I’m pathetically hopeless, knock yourself out. You want to call me a groupie, you’ll never win that fight. You want names, dates, places of things I’ve talked about it’s never gonna happen.